Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
this hospital has no fireball
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
