There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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