If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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