Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
