what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
