Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Rumble strips road head = magical
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize