i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
