If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
