it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
