hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
