I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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