OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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