The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
this hospital has no fireball
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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