my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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