My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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