I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
