Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
