I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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