Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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