Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
