She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
