my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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