she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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