all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize