I didn't shave. On purpose
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
