Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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