Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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