She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
