Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
