if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
