It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize