masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
