Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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