Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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