She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
