btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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