Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
