my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
