I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize