My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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