I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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