Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
