bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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