woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
