I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
