I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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