I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
