i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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