Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
