he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
