Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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