It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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