can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
