I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The best revenge is premature balding
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
