So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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