I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
