True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
