I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
