She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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