jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
