He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
