i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
