Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
