Can i not drive my cunt home
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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