I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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