Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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